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An open letter to George Lucas

January 10, 2012

While I was waking up this morning to my butler’s gentle calls, CNN on the televisor, and small mammals trained to give me foot massages, my delicate and discerning senses took in one of the most egregious commercials ever created. It was a commercial for the new feature film Red Tails, a film about Tuskegee Airmen in WWII written and produced by George Lucas and LucasFilms. The commercial featured no spoken dialoge. There might have been some text flashed on screen but I couldn’t read it as I hadn’t yet put in my monocle. I was able to hear some elated cries and yells from the joys from flying and defeating enemies. I can tell you from the personal experience of flying my vintage Fokker Dr.1 Triplane while shooting flocks of seagulls with my gold plated .44 magnum revolver, it is quite an exhilarating experience. So you might say, “So what, it’s not the best commercial, but who cares?” As a fan of George Lucas’ early work, a history buff, and a musician, I care. I care because the music featured the grating and mind numbing sounds of dubstep. Not even decent dubstep, terrible dubstep. Not only was I injured physically, I was so enraged that I called my REALLY angry letter writer to dictate to (I’ve only called my REALLY angry letter writer once before; when my Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Noodle didn’t contain any chicken). Here is the result.

Dear George Lucas,
Your insolence pains me. I have endured the excrement that you have squatted and unleashed upon the world in recent history, but this is the last straw. There is no reason why dubstep should be used for a movie about the Tuskegee Airmen. I am sure that this act was just your businessman brain thinking that dubstep would make the movie more appealing to the dubstep generation. The sad thing is that you are probably right, all you need are some neon colored shirts and a promotional deal with Four Loko and you might convince them to see a film that doesn’t have superheros or toasters transforming into hamster-men (that is what the transformers is about, right? Well if not, it should be).

Here is the overarching problem Lucas. The more I look into it, the more I find that other people are responsible for most of the brilliant points of your career (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and creating Pixar). Consequently, the more you engage in any creative processes (The new Star Wars Trilogy, their rerelease in 3D, Indy and the Kingdom of Dumb Crystal Aliens, and I can only assume the Red Tails commercial) the more I doubt the existence of any genius you are so often credited for. In fact, you are bringing human evolution backwards by hogging technology and talented people that could be used for good films, like ones about toasters transforming into hamster-men.

So in closing, I would like to give you a stern talking to. That is about the best I can do because not even a man with small foot massaging mammals could make you do anything against your will due to the status you have achieved while climbing Mt. Olympus on the backs of others. You need to stop writing and directing movies. That doesn’t mean you should stop MAKING movies. You have the funds, superior technology, toy marketing abilities, and outreach to acquire the best writers, directors, actors, and other real artists to do the job that you think you have the artistic talent to do. Once you do that, never visit the writers, set, or editing studio, ever, EVER. While this is no guarantee that they will produce a masterpiece, they will avoid produce something with your artistic touch which would bring in profits but would have the artistic appeal of boarding a zephyr named “Hindenburg II”. The contrary would indeed bring in profits due to your name being attached and your stellar action figure marketing, but might actually be a good film as well.

Please consider my suggestion as well as paying the attached hospital bill of a concussion and collapsed lung treatment due to viewing your commercial for Red Tails.

Regards with anger,
Big Bowtie

Dictated but not read.

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