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Why the Men’s Restroom is so efficient.

November 4, 2010


The Men’s Restroom is undoubtedly one of the crowning achievements of the gender.  The “Lou” is a sanctuary that runs on a system so simple and efficient, it’s amazing that its merits haven’t been applied to other things.  Women often look upon Men walking into a bathroom with envy as they wait in a line that protrudes from the bathroom itself.  So what makes the Men’s Restroom so efficient?  Other than the fact that Men have the biological advantage of the penis, which allows for easy and fairly clean upright urination, there is an unspoken code that all men are taught from birth and follow (for the most part).  I am risking my Man Club Membership by breaking silence on this code in effort of comedy for Men as well as advice for Women.  So take note…


I. Talking

Preferably there should be none of it.  This is the golden rule of the Men’s Restroom in that socializing only slows down this well-oiled machine by distracting Men from the task at hand as well as risking the comfort of others.  There is nothing said in the bathroom except a possible “pardon me” or “you go ahead” (but even that can be said with a head nod) that cannot be said with the same effect outside of a bathroom.  The great majority of Men understand this and refrain from verbal communication within the Men’s Restroom.  The only exception is if two or more friends are in a Men’s Restroom alone.  Once a stranger has entered, all talking must cease immediately.


II. Other Noises

Previous versions of this code have strictly banned bodily noises that are secondary to business that is done in the bathroom.  That is bullocks.  In efforts to refrain in making these noises, you inherently slow the system down.  Most modern Men are understanding of this and will tolerate these noises in the knowledge that you are working to maintain the speed and efficiency of the system.   So let ‘em rip.


III. Bodily and Eye Contact

There should be none of these, especially the former.  There is no reason for any part of one Man to touch another whilst in a restroom.  Eye contact does have an exception in that if you wish to signal a fellow man that it is his turn to use a toilet or sink.  That is the ONLY exception.  And in this case, or any other for that matter, your gaze should never skink below neckline.  This might be seen as a threat or proposition that would violate the sanctity of the Men’s Restroom.


IV. Urinal Selection

Knowing what urinal to select is a crucial skill inherent to maintaining the efficiency of the restroom.  A Man’s urinal selection should be based on this principle…

“Two men should never be using adjacent urinals.”

Therefore to be safe, always select a urinal that is furthest away from another Man.  This allows for others to properly comply with this rule.  Following this rule maintains the sanctity of the Restroom while providing comfort for all of its users in turn maintaining efficiency.  This of course is nullified if there are dividers placed in between urinals.


V. Flushing

Previous versions of this code have allowed there to be multiple uses in a urinal before flushing is necessary.  The Argyle Life point of view is that if your not paying for it, flush it.  You can do whatever you want at home, but there’s no need not to flush a public urinal after a use.  Stalls should always be flushed no matter what is done in them.  If you should come upon an unflushed stall, flush it if it you can, but don’t put yourself in a sickening position to do so.


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